Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
