she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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