I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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