Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
