I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
