College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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