i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
