finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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