Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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