I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
