Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
