I'm pants shitting drunk right now
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
