God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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