My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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