Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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