dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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