Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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