I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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