my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm too high and old for this...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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