Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
