just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
