Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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