you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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