Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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