I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
