My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
