I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
