you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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