Say something about gay babies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
