you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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