After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
no you cant smoke seaweed
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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