So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize