o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
