Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
