yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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