I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
