If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
