I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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