I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
