I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
