Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
