quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
