He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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