you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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