I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
