The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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