Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
