watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
