Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
