thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
