Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
