I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
