Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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