singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
