i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize