You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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