If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
