For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
