Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
