Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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