I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
