I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
